Some people will say anything to hawk their wares. Case in point: Limitless Coffee in Chicago, who claims to provide the “cleanest coffees” in the world. What’s the source of this belief? Is it that the flavor profiles are exacting and pronounced? Nope. According to the Chicago Tribune, it’s that they don’t use naturally processed coffees.
It all started when Limitless co-founder Matt Matros went on a yoga retreat in Bali. During that trip, Matros stopped by a coffee farm where he was “horrified” by how dirty naturally processing coffee was:
After returning to the States, Matros learned about washed processed coffees, which I guess are supposed to have fewer mycotoxins or something? I dunno. They sure sounds scary, though. Anyway, washed coffees equal clean, naturals equal dirty. Got it? Good.
And you can’t just jam that super clean coffee into any ole roaster. That’ll get you the cancer. At Limitless, they use an air roaster. Because of the chaff and the smoke and the carcinogens and the cancer. OH GOD THE CANCER! From their website, without a single word or bit of punctuation changed:
Fuckin’ chaff collectors, how do they work?
If none of this has convinced you to switch to Limitless Coffee for the rest of your life, don’t worry, Matros has an appeal to emotion (that emotion being fear) that’ll definitely do the trick.
Unsurprisingly, some folks in the coffee industry are calling bullshit on this whole clean coffee thing. Terms like “offensive”, “hyperbole”, and “confused about science” get tossed around in the Tribune’s article, with one person stating, “I don’t think he knows what the (heck) he’s talking about.” I don’t think he said heck.
But if there’s a silver lining to this cloud, it’s that you can get a 12 ounce bag of “Geisha Super Premium Blend Roast” variety for only $19.99, so that’s pretty cool, right?
Zac Cadwalader is the news editor at Sprudge Media Network.
*all images via Frinkiac